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im not dead.......unfortunatley   
01:40pm 10/02/2003
mood: crushed
quite the fucking gap, huh?!

well im not going to update this often, due to lack of time/motivation.

all thats happened is that im single, ive gone to some shows, Break the Silence begins recording the full-length on sunday, and i still have no job.... IM POSTING IN A NEW JOURNAL FROM NOW ON:
thats it.
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10:51am 23/12/2002
mood: die.
im not excited at all about has offically been ruined. kelly is no longer coming over for christmas eve/day because she fucking 'hates me'. not to mention shes developed a violent anger disorder, probably because of me.
i feel so sick.
im just not feeling right at all latley.
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08:49pm 19/12/2002
mood: mood?
so nothing fun has happened to me.
plenty of unfun, but not so much lj-worthy material.
nothings happened at all really.
i got a job. woo hoo.
Break the Silence played one show. We rocked that community center apart.
i didnt buy any christmas presents for anyone.
i hate jesus. doesnt mean YOU should though. his birth caused more war and stress and depression than hope and goodwill and whatever else people love him for....haha. god is love. love is suicide. god is death. death from suicide. jesus is the son of god, so hes just kind of the messeneger of death i suppose. But his father is death, so does that mean that when you die, you are god?
jim morrison thought he was god, only he called it 'lizard king'. he was one pretentious fuck.
i have officially gone insane.
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04:01pm 23/11/2002
mood: grrr
listen to my band
01:44am 17/11/2002
mood: irritated. not sure why.
im bored.
yesterday kelly and i went to beth's to smoke some cheeba and play atari.
we then went to rick's and got our drink on for awhile, met up with og and tracey.
all in all it was fun. uneventful, but fun.
kelly left about 5 min ago......and now i am bored at 1:45am on sunday morning.
im going on an adventure tonight. ill see if og is down with that.
i changed my pic. it came off this site []
check dat shit.
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03:07pm 13/11/2002
mood: bored.... you motherfuckers.
* my father thinks i am: wasting my life
* my mother thinks i am: im not sure. maybe i should ask her.
* my sibling thinks i am: insane
* my grandma thinks i am: more innocent than i really am.
* my grandpa thinks i am: wasting my life. since i dont go to college.
* my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks i am: sweet, smart, talented, faithful, dependable.
* my best friend thinks i am: talented, fun.

* your three best qualities: understanding, honesty, loyalty.
* three worst qualities: excessive anger, depression, & self-loathing,
* three things you are often complimented for: my songs, style (yeah, takes me by suprise since i dress like a bum) and guitar playing.
* a compliment you got that made you blush: all of them
* you get embarrassed when: im singing in front of hundreds of kids and I forget the words and/or hit the wrong notes.
* makes you happy: kelly, playing shows, modest mouse.
* upsets you: kelly, modest mouse, being broke.

yes or no:
* you keep a diary :no, just you, lj.
* you like to cook: frozen goods that are easy.
* you have a secret you have not shared with anyone: many of them.
* you fold your underwear: no.
* you talk in your sleep: i think so.
* you set your watch a few minutes ahead: i don't wear one.
* you bite your fingernails: all the time. ususally more when im pissed or nervous.
* you believe in love: of course.

* movie you rented: its been years since i rented a movie.
* movie you bought: dead man.
* song you listened to: 'bankrupt on selling' - modest mouse
* song you've downloaded: Blondie - 'Dreaming' since we are covering it!
* CD you bought: i think it was Black Flag - Live in 84 back when i quit my job.
* CD you listened to: Teen Idols - Pucker Up
* person you've called: kelly
* person that's called you: gunner
* TV show you've watched: simpsons
* person you were thinking of: huh?

* you wish you could live somewhere else: nah i love chicago.
* you believe in online dating: for lazy people, sure why not.
* others find you attractive: every so often.
* you want more piercings: nowhere. i have enough.
* you want more tattoos: yes yes yes.
* you drink: daily.
* you do drugs: whenever possible.
* you smoke: hourly.
* you like cleaning: sometimes.
* you like roller coasters: absolutely
* you write in cursive or print: print
* you carry a donor card: license says donor on it though

for or against:
* long distance relationships: against.
* using someone: if they deserve it.
* suicide: for it.
* killing people: if they deserve it. dont get caught.
* teenage smoking: for it.
* doing drugs: for it if you can handle your high. against it if you freak out like a moron or a moron.
* premarital sex: do as much as you can.
* driving drunk: depending on you level of drunkness, but mainly against.
* gay/lesbian relationships: for it. everyone be gay.
* soap operas: ouch.

* food: anything tasty.
* song: i have no fucking idea
* thing to do: play the guitar. smoke the dope.
* thing to talk about: music, celebrity assasins, and music.
* sports: 16 inch.
* drinks: rum, water, whiskey, snapple rain.
* clothes: hoodies, dickies.
* movie: boyz in da hood haha. no idea.
* band: the misfits. the ramones. grade....the list goes on, and each band is my favorite for a different reason.
* holiday: Dont Buy Anything Day (its the day after thanksgiving for those of you who dont know)
* car: og's. its the same as mine but his sounds like a lawnmower.
have you:
* ever cried over a boy/girl: absolutely
* ever lied to someone: sure
* ever been in a fist fight: uh huh. thats right.
* ever been arrested: sure have.

* shampoo do you use: pantine pro V i think.
* perfume do you use: whatever is on kelly and rubs off on me haha.
* shoes do you wear: chucks
* are you scared of: life

* of times i have been in love: 1. i though i was 2 other times, but after having wasnt love at all.
* of times i have had my heart broken: 16
* of hearts i have broken: none that i know of.
* of boys i have kissed: none. i dont like the cock.
* of people i've slept with: 11. yeah im a big slut. well, i was in high school.
* of people i consider my enemies: 4.
* of people from high school that i stayed in contact with: 2 or 3
* of CDs that i own: around 6-700. hey i used to work at a used cd store.
* of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: once or twice in the police blotter.
* of things in my past that I regret: thousands. mostly due to drug-induced behavior.
09:25pm 10/11/2002
mood: bored, sucka.
im on a Teen Idols kick latley.
i love those leather-clad fucks.

So......yesterday i got a free [yes, FREE!] Epiphone Gothic Edition SG. [that's a guitar, for any of you non-musicians] Although I wish badly it were the Gibson version.....but hey, it was free.
It was stolen from a certain employee at guitar center and given to me, along with a new practice amp...which I needed badly.
So yes. I am one happy fuckface.
and that is all.
I STILL need a job.
show @ Rockhouse USA   
12:57pm 08/11/2002
mood: fucking great!
oh man........
If you missed this show you may want to kick yourself in the ass until it bleeds.....
Near Miss tore it up, as they usually do.
Belvedere is the most amazing punk rock band ive seen in years, although they're from America Jr. (Canada)
But man to they fucking rock. Crazy melodic-hardcore nonsense. But man did they fucking rock.
Much the Same did well as always, despite Og unintentionally knocking over Fall Out Boy's rack mount. He always has to break something every show, its like his trademark.
No on 15 did well....i had heard they sucked but they had a good old-school thing going on.
We (Break the Silence) did very well according to the crowd's reaction. We were the only sraight-up hardcore band that played..and the kids loved us. None of us fucked up.....and when we were loading up our shit afterwards about 20 kids followed us out there to talk to us.
And they were all nervous like we were famous and shit.
It felt fucking magical.
Some kids even made their own Break the Silence shirts, since we dont have any yet.
Fucking insanity.
So yes. The show was definetly a wonderful time. The best Ive had in years.
We are going to try and play as many of the Midwestern Warped Tour dates as possible next summer. We are working on that as I speak.
If our luck is really good, we will get on nationwide.
So any of your midwesterners, come check us out.
If you like ANY form of punk rock, you will probably be into us.
And that is all.
Rock and fucking roll!
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today is the day!!!!   
01:42pm 07/11/2002
mood: fucked up and loving it!
I have that feeling i used to get when i was about 4 on christmas eve and shit!
Today, my band, Break the Silence [] is playing their first show ever!!!!!
I am hoping to blow people.
We practiced last night and sounded better than EVER!
I love this band. Very melodic. Very punk. Very hardcore.
Ive recieved many IMs from kids who are excited to see us, so hopefully the turnout will be great.
I am living my fucking dream, and I am very happy about it.
I swear, right now I feel so good that I could meet my worst enemies ever [funny i say that, one of them is in a band we are playing with tonite] and tell them that I love them!
yeaaahhhhhhhhhh Im ready to fucking rock tonite!!!!!!!!!
If anyone wants to come out, look at the flyer I posted about 3 or 4 days ago!
We will thrash your crotch until it bleeds!!!!!!!!!!!
04:02pm 05/11/2002
mood: battle-wounded
so yes.
let me let you in on a little bit of what me and kelly are like.
yesterday she started a HUGE fight about the pronunciation of the word "catch".
[i say it phonetically: 'ketch' as to where she says 'kAtch', accenting the 'a' sound. it sounds funny to me]
which has made me wonder the following:
does this girl have a severe resentment for me and my ways?
should i take this as lightly as I am?
is she just struggling with security issues and/or and inferiority complex?
is she as psycho/foolish as she makes herself look in these frequent situations?
am i doing something wrong?
am i psycho?
did i do something to deserve shit like this?
etc etc etc etc.

maybe she just has anger problems.

but i cant help but feel im making them worse.

someone help me out here.
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03:53pm 02/11/2002

[my band is Break the Silence]
no use.   
02:25pm 02/11/2002
mood: need a drink
Yesterday was pretty good overall I guess.
kelly came over and we talked for awhile, fought, made nice.
we went to fuck hinn's and ate dinner.
i fucking hate that place.
so yeah....this really really annoying bastard they call mike came up to me and was all like 'can you go buy me cigarettes' and i had to say yes since he smoked up me and beth last week for free. plus the kid had a flask full of whiskey that he offered to share with me. helps out on cold chicago nights. so i bought him some cigarettes at the white hen across the street and my friend sarah from high school was working. she hasnt changed one bit. which is very sad to see.
so, after this annoying 'mike' character made a complete ass of himself about 40 times over inside white hen, i grabbed the flask from him and headed out to the alley and downed it all.
then i got kelly and we left, and to my dismay mook was there.
mook holds all responsibility in og being forced to leave EL:R. something i will never forgive him for.
so kelly and i went home and passed out.
tonight i have to drive out to gunner's to pick up flyers for the nov 7 show. both of our bands are playing together which is fun.
then i have to go up to the no use show to pass them out.
it will be cold. very very cold.
i wish i had a flask of whiskey to keep me warm.
02:36pm 31/10/2002
  Current mood: anxious, yet bored
Current music: Envy - Lies, and Release From Silence
Current taste: cigarette smoke. mmmm.
Current hair: black
Current clothes: black dickies, adicts t-shirt and distillers hoodie
Current annoyance: that i have no pot/access to my girlfriend at the moment
Current smell: jim beam, cigarettes
Current thing I ought to be doing: finding a job...but its halloween, fuckfaces. im killing time until theres shit to do.
Current windows open: aim biddy list, livejournal, winamp
Current desktop picture: grade/headfirst cover
Current favorite band: the misfits. the ramones. nirvana.
Current book: an AUTHENTIC anarchist cookbook that brian gave me haha. yea im a loser.
Current cds in stereo: uhm...the EL:R demo we've been handing out, The Used, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Adolescents
Current crush: i think its well known..
Current favorite celeb: the sniper. i dont know.
Current hate: you. you fuckass. :)

-->The last time<--
Last book you read: fear and loathing - hunter s. thompson
Last movie you saw: at home? night of the living i dont remember.....we head out to the dollar show alot after drinking.
Last thing you had to drink: jim beam. straight up, yo.
Last time you showered: yesterday
Last thing you ate: ramen. mmmm, ramen.
Last person you talked to on the phone: og..or was it kelly? well i talked to both of them im sure of that.

-->Do I<--
Smoke?: why wouldnt i?
Do drugs?: not as often as i would like
Have sex?: as often as possible.
Given oral sex?: when deserved. "Shit yeah! Got my technique down and everything. Dont be ticklin or nothing" - Pulp Fiction
Received oral sex?: yes. although you dont find incredibly good oral sex just around the corner. [no pun intended] im a dork.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yeah. im about to shoot myself.
Play an instrument?: guitar, bass, a little piano, and i sing. not good, but hey.
Believe there is life on other planets?: does it really matter?
Remember your first love?: in more bad ways than good.
Still love him/her?: no. she made that pretty impossible.
Read the newspaper?: the onion. i watch cnn though. that connie chung has still got it with the full coverage. and she has me conviced that america is fucked. proper fucked.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: a couple. why does that matter anyway?
Believe in miracles?: i am a miracle. everyone is when they are a baby.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: i am extremely tolerant.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes. i do.
Consider love a mistake?: not this time.
Like the taste of alcohol?: alcohol likes the taste of me.
Have a favorite candy?: i like chocolate.
Believe in astrology?: no. astrology is for pretentious, enya-loving motherfuckers and hippies. fucking new age garbage. that came off way to bitter, i really dont care actually. no offense to any enyans.
Believe in magic?: if it gets the christian's panties all in a bunch, sure why not.
Believe in god?: why should i? god doesnt believe in me.
Do well in school?: i did when i wanted to.
Have any piercings?: ears, eyebrow (yep, still have it) tongue.
Have any tattoos?: no. everyone asks why. i used to be anti-tattoo. although im considering sleeves now. just like that.
Hate yourself?: yeah, but it doesnt matter because some people love me.
Have a secret crush?: secret? no.
Collect anything?: change. dust. vinyl. [that means 'records' for you new-schoolers]
Have a best friend?: yeah, 2 basically.
Wish on stars?: no. just look at them.

-->Love life<--
First crush: sara may. 1st grade. she was such a little bitch. but i liked it.
First kiss: real kiss? sarah grana. 5th grade. in the garage.
Single or attached?: mostly attached.
Ever been in love?: yeah. i am right now.
Do you believe in love at first sight? : not for gotta earn my love motherfucker.
Do you believe in "the one?": sure. why not.
Describe your ideal significant other: kelly. minus the excessive bratiness at times.

-->Juicy stuff<--
Have you ever been intoxicated?: you call that 'juicy'? i thought it was a given.
Favorite place to be kissed?: lips, neck, ears.
Have you ever been caught "doing something"?: hahaha yeah...og has cought me lots of times when i was busy. my dad caught me in the shower with my ex, the cops caught us in the you really want to know any of this shit?
Are you a tease?: nah.
Shy to make the first move?: nope.

-->Are you a<--
Druggy: nope
Daydreamer: a bit
Freak: no
Dork: hell yes.
Bitch/Asshole: im both. ha!
Brat: sometimes.
Sarcastic: oh no. never.
Goody-goody: yes.
Angel: of death.
Devil: lock?
Talkative: either completely or not at all.
Adventurous: very.
Joker: batman.
Flirty: yeah...but no one ever catches on. which is both good and bad.

-->Word(s) association<--
Rubber gloves: cavity search.
Rock: this place apart/out with your cock out.
Green: jelly.
Wet: rain
Cry: me a desert.
Peanut: acid trips.
Hay: ho! Let's go!
Cold: beer.
Steamy: windows.
Fast: women.
Freaky: friday.
Rain: thunder.
Bite: blood.
Suck: cock.
Blow: cocaine.
Hard: on.
02:39pm 28/10/2002
mood: could be worse
so last night we [] played @ the ymca skate park with tomsawyer, tora!tora!torrance!, meticom, and project rocket.
It was fun.
The first band did well for being ages 14-16.
The second band sucked really bad.
We did alright, but could have done better.
Erik tripped over my guitar cable and my guitar cut out for a while.
That scared me when it happened.
Overall...people liked it.
We did.
Although the night later turned to shit.
Tracey's dad died.
Og took her up to the hospital.
She's a tough girl I dont worry too much about it.
I wish there was something I could do/say.
But what can you say other than 'Im sorry' & 'Im here for you for anything'?
I hate seeing her like this.
All of us do.
jim beam and the forgotten dream   
03:08pm 24/10/2002
mood: drunk. on jim beam.
so we are rehearsing again tonight.
i hope tracey comes. i want to hear her sing with us.
we are going for a From Autumn to Ashes type of sound with EL:R.
also, Break the Silence is playing nov 7th. go here ( to see the flyer.
Im pretty fucking excited about that.
thats about it. any chicagoans or people willing go to the YMCA skate part @ 31. E Ogden Ave on sunday to see EL:R @ 2pm.
or die hahaha!
yeah my life sucks.
what's a nigga to do?
nothing like having a [powerful] drink at 1:30pm   
02:13pm 22/10/2002
mood: capt. morgan saves the day!
"Those of us who were up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts. We needed strong drink." - Raul Duke from Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

So yesterday every light:red[] practiced for about 6 hours and I almost passed out. All of our stuff is still @ Vitro Studios so we practiced in the drum/guitar which the soundproof foam acts as insulation and all heat is trapped inside, which is rough when 4 guys are playing their little hearts out inside of the 100 square foot space.....for 6 consecutive hours.
We are very excited about the show on the 27th.
Tracey agreed to take pictures of us during the show, which is good.
There's a fun plan to drink ourselves silly after the show due to the fact that joe from tomsawyer and erik from EL:R are both sharing a birthday on this date.
Also, my primary band Break the Silence [] is playing their first show with Much the Same [], Belvedere, Near Miss, and Knockout on Nov. 7th @ Rockhouse USA in Aurora, IL (home of Wayne Campbell & Garth Algar)
It would be cooler if it were at Gas Works haha.
So yeah...thats my band shit latley.
Kelly and I talked......things are better overall.
That doesn't neccisarrily mean I feel better though......
Quite honestly, I'm having doubts despite everything being 'worked out'....
But I'm not focusing on that right now. I have more important things to worry about.
Ive been sick with the flu latley. That really sucks.
I havent let it stop me from anything, but its always catching up with me.
Ive come to the conclusion that livejournal is pointless.
I'll probably leave another 4 month gap after sunday.
Im not making a point to, but hopefully I'll have better things to do....(no offense to any regular livejournal users)
For now, this is the only place I can tell it like it is.
And thats how it seems to be for alot of other people.
But it isn't the same as having a real person in your life that you can talk to about ANYTHING.
And i just feel that, for me [and im only speaking for myself here], I should maybe spend less time here and be establishing a comfortable relationship with someone in the flesh that i can be 100% honest, without having to suffer for feelings, thoughts, actions I cant control.
Again, nothing wrong with it.
But I dont feel I've really let anything out even if I go into detail on here.....
I guess I need that 'certain eye contact' that lets me know someone REALLY understands. Not like my life is all that terrible or complicated or anything, especially compared to others.....
But still.
I dont just aimlessly rambling.
sorry if i came off as arrogant or pompous or stuck-up in any way. im really all.
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ascend into the end   
06:55pm 20/10/2002
  kelly and i appear to be done.

kill me.
12:04pm 19/10/2002
mood: huh?!?
1) Single or Taken: taken. lovingly.
2) Sex: male
3) Birthday: 07.11.83
4) Sign: cancer
5) Siblings: a sister, she's 17.
6) Hair color: black
7) Eye color: Blue
8) Shoe size/height: 10,6'

R e l a t i o n s h i p s
1) Who are your best friends?:Og, erik, jon, tracey,kelly
2) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: a girlfriend

F a s h i o n S t u f f
1) Where is your favorite place to shop?: not sure....thrift stores i guess.
2) Any tattoos or piercings?: yes please.
T h e E x t r a S t u f f
1) Do you do drugs: sometimes
2) What kind of shampoo do you use: anything that will clean my hair...when i actually wash it.....
3) What are you most scared of: large large man-made bodies of water...heroin people.
4) What are you listening to right now: at-the-drive-in.
5) What vehicle do you wish to have? a hummer w/ machine gun mounted on it.
6) Who is the last person that called you: tracey
7) Where do you want to get married: anywhere in the city.
8) How many messenger buddies do you have on right now: 6...they all have away messages.
9)If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?: jealous nature.

F a v o r I t e s
1) Color: black and red. together as one.
2) Whats your fav. food?: anything tasty.
4) Boy's names: butch and bo
5) Girls names: jade and ella
6) Subjects in school: 'Fuck SCHOOL! I only went thru the motions until i was old enough to drop out' - Detroit Rock City
7) Animals: cats
8) Sports: 16-inch. hahaha you non-chicago people dont know what that is, do you.....

H a v e Y o u E v e r
1) Given anyone a bath: no but ive taken a bath with someone
2) Smoked: yeah...and now that you mention it....
3) Bungee jumped: yes, actually. nearly had a fucking heart attack.
4) Broken the law: im breaking the law right now.
5) Made yourself throw-up: yeah...kinda. the hospital people made me throw up lots when i had alcohol poisoning.
6) Went skinny dipping?: hell yes.
7) Ever been in love: yeah.its a disease.
8) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no...boys dont front of people. and if they are in trouble...crying will only make everything much much worse...

W h a t C o m e s T o M i n d
1)Red: blood
2)Cow tipping: tommy boy
3)Socks: Feet
4)Greenland: Iceland

w h a t ' s w o r s e ?
1) Barfing on your date or your date barfing on you?: how about we barf together? then it would be us 'sharing a moment'

F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s
1) Do you like filling these out: im really bored
4) Gold or Silver: aged silver
5) What is the last film you saw at the movies: insomnia? no deeds.
6) Favorite cartoon character: ralph wiggum
7) What do you have for breakfast in the morning: A cigarette. maybe even a drink. or a pop tart.
8) Who would you love being locked in a room with: kelly.
rip my face off.   
06:41pm 18/10/2002
mood: failing.
i have a headache.
but.....jon just bought me a pint of J&B. ive never had the stuff before.
today all of us are going to some haunted house all the way in the IL/WI border.....
i need money for that.
we were just added to another show on oct 25th with Dearest Fae and some other hardcore bands.
im selling a guitar. it is useless to me now.
i found a new one today that i will soon own.
i need $1200 to get myself out of debt.
sunday we are finsishing up recording...thank god.
we also need to start searching for a new lead guitarist...og is being forced by MTS to leave our band come november. that really fucks things up.
kelly sucks. i LOVE her, but she sucks. sometimes.
now being one of those times.
i hate when girls hold you up to the standards of high points in past relationships. it fucking hurts.
and it better stop right the fuck now.
or ill kick her to the curb.
which i probably should do anyway.
but love counts. fuck.
and shes not all bad. she can be the greatest when she wants to.
nothing like being dragged into unneccisary drama.....
fuck my head hurts.
i need 15cc's of morphine injected into my face.
i have nothing to look forward to for awhile.
i hate that feeling.
10:03am 17/10/2002
mood: suprisingly okay.
anyone in the chicago area [or willing to make the drive] should check this show out.

Sunday Oct 27th

project rocket
every light: red
@ the ymca skate park
31 e. ogden ave
lagrange, il

im not sure what the cost is yet but i doubt it will be any more than $6.
it is also our bassist's 21st there will be a getogether after the show. anyone is invited.
thats all.
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